Ken's Cyber Cave: Beating up the mean people around you

One may feel depressed because it seems the whole world is against him. One works his behind off and the boss shows no appreciation. Co-workers and friends back-stab or drive him nuts. He seems to run into obstacles wherever he moves. Nothing seems to go his way. He is neither a violent nor sports type person, so he cannot grab a gun to shot or do boxing. There is no channel to vent his frustration and anger.

Upon the recommendation of a good pal, this depressed person consults a psychologist. The psychologist is happy to offer him a battery of psychological tests and customize a "therapy plan" of 6- 10+ counseling sessions.

During the sessions, the depressed dude will spill out his pet peeves. The psychologist will sugar-coat the client's craps and throw it back to him. He may realize that it is either his own stupidity that he is depressed OR it is nobody's fault to be depressed OR simple get a life and think positive.

Somehow our depressed dude feels relieved and happy again, largely due to the opportunity to find someone listening to his pet peeves. But he becomes depressed again when he is billed a few thousand dollars by the psychologist.

In Southern China, there is a service that can offer similar or better results for the price of a MacDonald Value Meal.

The Chinese call people who back-stab or obstruct you or whoever make your life miserable as "mean people" or "little people" (xiao-ren 小人). There are "beating up mean people ritual" (打小人)services for people who feel that they are being rejected, slighted, bullied and etc,. by other people. These services are mostly provided by older women or grannies.

In Hong Kong, beneath a flyover near the Times Square, there are some grannies practicing "Beating Mean People" ritual for HK$40 (US$ 5) per beating. You do not even need to raise your finger. The grannie will do all the "beating". This service include:

A. ALL THE PAPERWORK (joss papers)
-- a big yellow talisman that includes clemency orders for your bad deeds or sins.
-- a red nobleman talisman to attract helpful people to you.
-- joss paper money to please the deities and spirits
-- a paper tiger (symbolizes "mean people")
-- a paper imprinted with a human shape (represents the mean people who bully you, for beating)
-- a plea to heaven about beating the mean people
-- incense and candle sticks

B. SERVICES

-- you can specify the name of a person to be beaten or just a "blanket beating" of all the mean people around you (no extra charge!).

-- your "mean people" are represented by a piece of rectangular paper with a human shape imprinted. It will be put on the surface of a brick. The grannie will use a woman high heel shoe to strike the paper human from head to toes while chanting something like these:

" Hit the head of you mean people, so you can't breathe.
Hit the hands of you mean people, so you can't hold your pen.
Hit the feet of you mean people, so you can't wear shoes...."

You may add your special punishment to your mean people. But this ritual rarely curses or beats people to death.

-- after a thorough beating, the paper mean person will be "engulfed" (wrapped inside) by a paper tiger and burnt.

-- a quick divination will be done with the portable altar nearby by throwing two piece of wood (3 possible combinations) to see if the deity "approves" of the beating. If the answer is "no", grannie will throw a pinch of rice and burn some papers and redo the divination until getting deity's approval. Most of the time, two tries are enough. Now you will feel great because even the deity or heaven has approved of your beating.

-- all the remaining "paperwork" (joss paper) is lighted and sway around your body to "cleanse" or remove negative energies away. At the same time, grannie will chant, "Auspiciousness and prosperity for you!" You feel lighter, relieved and happy.

-- throw the burning paper into a red tin can to finish burning (ritual is done)